So something happened exactly 90 days ago (I won't say exactly what, that is too personal) that knocked the crown of denial off my head. Suddenly I could see how unbelievably messed up I was and how I was screwing up my life. I joined Overeaters Anonymous and another support group and started going to a therapist. With the help and support of my amazing wife I have begun to transform myself and my life and lately I have put into place some structures to cause real change. Shelley and I have started meditating every morning and I have been getting up at 4 in the morning to write. Yesterday I started a restricted food plan that my OA sponsor suggested.
All of this leaves me exhausted, hungry and cranky.
But also filled with strength, hope, joy and excitement. It kind of doesn't matter if these change bring about the results I want. What is powerful for me is that I am in action. Making a difference. Doing what I have literally dreamed of doing for years. I have a sense of purpose and clarity that has been missing for years.
They say that change is painful. In the past when I heard that I often imagined a close minded racist who had to come to terms with his prejudice in some Afterschool Special about tolerance. What the pain of change really looks like is bleary, grumpy, hungry me getting up to write this post even though I would much rather be in bed.
In order to really make a difference, to take action, you have to do what is uncomfortable. What that looks like is to not want to do something but to do it anyway.
And I mean really, really not wanting to do it...
Like it seems like it would be healthier not to do it...
Like maybe this whole thing is a mistake and I should go back to the drawing board...
Like a group of reasonable people would agree that getting up this early and going on with this little sleep is a bad idea...
Like what am I nuts to do this...?
But do it anyway.
That's where change happens: in the realm of the unreasonable.That's where genius lives (BTW that's also where crazy lives but you pays yer money and you takes yer chances).
Anyway, I did it anyway and I'm damn glad I did.
"In order to be effective truth must penetrate like an arrow - and that is likely to hurt."
'Posthumous Pieces' by Wei Wu Wei